Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Some Bad Films Are Just Bad

Prepare yourself for a whole lot of hate or alternatively you might find it amusing.

Usually a bad film is defined by the bad acting, bad script, bad direction, it looked shit, sometimes they contain all these elements or just a few. There are more films I should add to this list such as Spider-Man 3, X-Men 3, The Matrix sequels, Epic Movie, X-Men Origins; Wolverine, any Transformers movie, and the infamous film, The Room but everyone agrees those films are bad. The list I have has is there to enlighten people.

I always seem to post about films I love or post the Watch List which sometimes does contain films I didn't like. But the list below are some of the worst films I have seen, not the bad films that are bad but I liked them, no, these were just so gad damn awful, I though I should write a list about them. Like you do.

1. Love Actually.

As I type this I can already hear all the women of the world scream at me for saying how awful this film is. I admit when I first watched it, I liked it, but with further viewings shoved down my throat I began to hate it. Richard Curtis, I admire you, but this film is just terrible, so bad that I prefer The Boat That Rocked (which is actually not too bad?). I even prefer the terrible sequel to Bridget Jones. Although when I watch that, I just want scream WHY NOT JUST FOLLOW THE BOOK!?! Going back to Love Actually, I dislike that all but one story has a kinda happy ending, why couldn't Laura Linney have a happy ending too? It was too over sentimental, too over done and very over rated. I didn't see anything clever about it, also that american child singing at the end just made me want to throw up in a bucket and hurl it at the screen. There are far better romantic comedies out there, What's Up Doc anyone?? Far better comedy and it is, in part romantic.

2. Happiness. (SPOILER ALERT)

Oh my god I hated this film, so much so I couldn't even get past the fact that it was a good story. There was nothing redeeming about this film. None of the characters developed, apart from the pedophile actually admitting what he had done and then going to jail for his crimes. Most the characters are pitiful and again, have no redeeming qualities. I watched this film, not as an admirer of the director (he's weird) but as a fan of two of the actors. One turned out to be a pervert who calls people up on the phone at random and the other, well he was the pedophile. I was disappointed as I heard so much about the film and expected it to be this cult hit, but no. I also found it amusing that my aunt and uncle had borrowed the film (when I owned it, I sold it as soon as possible) but they had watched it with my Nan. She definitely did not like it.

3. Inland Empire.

What the hell was this film about? Oh wait, I don't care! I had just seen The Elephant Man then read a 5 star review of Inland Empire in a magazine, so I saw the film on sale and took a chance. As soon as I watched this film, I tried to return it from whence it came. I couldn't so I gave it to my friend and laughed as I ran away from them still holding the DVD. It was meant to be a follow up to Mullholland Drive, but seeing as I was disturbed and annoyed by the other film I didn't do any further watching of Lynch's films. I really liked The Elephant Man though and I am still intrigued by Twin Peaks. Inland Empire started off well and I liked the story of an actress going mad while making a film which is of a remake of a film where something went wrong. I must have blinked at some point because it changed into this horrible bag of crap. I stuck it out to the end though. I got my parents to watch it too. They agreed with me, which is rare.

4. Stupid Crazy Love.

This is on my list because of how disappointing it was. So hyped up and such a let down. I think I covered my dislike of this the first time round. I didn't like anyone in this film, it wasn't funny, it was actually really depressing, especially for Steve Carrell's character. The twist at the end was good but that was it! Waste of my precious time.

5. Friends with Kids.

Again, I think I covered my disappointment with this first time round too. Advertised as funny, hilarious, best comedy ever, but it wasn't. It wasn't funny. Again it was depressing and the message of this story was, once you have children your life, marriage and probably your career will get worse, crumble and die. The cast were so good on paper, but this was an utter failure in what it was said to be. It was sad, too long and over advertised in the wrong way.

6. Soldiers of Fortune.

In fairness, I though this film was going to be a good bad film. I saw Sean Bean and Dominic Monaghan in the cast and said YES! But even they could not redeem this awful action, thriller, rebellion, blowing stuff up on a small island blah. It didn't help that I didn't understand the plot or the point of the plot, not because I wasn't paying attention but because it was never fully explained. I waited and waited for reasons and development but nothing happened except a group of rich guys training to be soldiers on a random island. They didn't want to be there , except the whole point of them being there was that they wanted that experience. What the hell?? I don't even remember what happened except, spoiler, Farmer Hoggett died. If you know the actor its a spoiler.

7. Sweeney Todd

I like Tim Burton, he's cool, he's dark but makes it light, but, he has two films in this list. And that ain't good. I got through 20 minutes of this film and stopped. I couldn't bare the singing or the acting. I like the story of Sweeney Todd, and I like musicals, but these two did not blend on screen, so why make it a musical? I really did not like it. And if I'm going to be picky, the geographical aspects of the film were wrong too. London isn't planned that way. 

8. Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton's)

I was very excited to see this, but it should have been called 'Return to Wonderland' because that was what she was actually doing. I was angry when I saw this. Alice in Wonderland is my childhood and adulthood story, Alice is my middle name, I've been to the real Alice's grave (its in Lyndhurst) and I love everything Wonderland, but this film was an abomination on Lewis Carrol's name. Great cast, except for Anne Hathaway who was also extremely terrible but she is in everything, and I thought Johnny Depp was excellent casting as The Mad Hatter. But NO, he came out with a creepy, uncalled for random Scottish accent every few minutes. Also, he was bumped up the main character which is stupid because the Mad Hatter isn't! I really hate this film.

9. The Spirit.

Legendary cartoonist Will Eisner is turning in his grave at the thought this film was made. Frank Miller, the creator of Sin City should NEVER step behind a camera again! This film was just too damn bad. The poster said 'My city screams' little did we know it meant it screams because of how bad this film was. The critic commen below pretty much sums up how everyone felt after seeing this film. 

"I'm just trying to figure out why, somewhere in the middle of "The Spirit," Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson arrive on screen decked out in swastikas and jackboots. Nothing in the logic of the film explains it, but then, to use the phrase "the logic of the film" when talking about "The Spirit" may be to take the "oxy" out of "oxymoronic."
A.O. Scott, The New York Times

I returned my copy the very next day after buying it. Said there was something wrong with it, other than it is was shit.

10 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Everyone in the comic book loving world knows that this film was crud. But I put it on the list. In all honesty, if you haven't read the comics and you like literary characters and you have little to no taste, this film isn't that bad. BUt if have read the incredible award winning comics you know exactly what this film was missing, apart the entire point.

I think 10 films to rant about is enough for one day, don't you? Let me know what films you think are bad in a comment or email, I am always intrigued.

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